Monday, February 27, 2006

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Nuts

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them

Thursday, February 09, 2006

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THE LIONS DEN... a few words about chats.



When it comes to one of the chat rooms I visit, I can only say that it reminds me of a lions' den. And then, I think of Daniel. He refused to stop serving the Lord, and refused to stop praying to Him. Those who hated him wanted him to suffer for it, and so they found a way to get a law passed so Daniel would get in trouble. Daniel was caught worshipping God, and king Darius had no choice but to punish him for it.

When Daniel was going to be sent to the lion's den, he prayed to the Lord, and the king prayed and fasted for him. When he was thrown in, God had sealed the mouths of the lions, and Daniel was left unscathed. The lions were still there!!! God didn't remove them!!! Now, everyone was watching to see what those lions would do! They knew how vicious lions are!!! But, Daniel remained cool and calm, trusting in the Lord.

When we enter the lion's den of chat, we have the ability to pull a miracle, and seal the mouths of the lions with our ignore button. Everyone knows those on ignore are vicious! They wait and watch, hoping that our bodies would be destroyed. Just because we seal their mouths doesn't mean they are not still prowling about, growling and showing their claws. Yet, God is faithful to us. Because we remain strong in our belief that God will work things out, we remain untouched while those that start crap with us are thrown to the lions afterwards!

Words spoken in chat by lions are nothing more than growls and flexed claws. They can not hurt you, if you allow God to protect you... and they can not cause you to shout out in pain (reply), because if you place the offending lion on ignore, their mouth can not bite you! When the lion's companion LOLs at their attack, it is like they are trying to say to you "Hey, that lion is biting you!"... and you can smile and lol back... you know darn well that the lion can't do a thing, and that person only wants to see you bleed.

Be strong, dear friend. The Holy Spirit protects your heart.

Blessings, and please feel free to pass this along to any of our friends who have been attacked recently because they stand for God.

Thane


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Daniel 6:1-28
It pleased Darius to set over the kingdom an hundred and twenty princes, which should be over the whole kingdom; And over these three presidents; of whom Daniel was first: that the princes might give accounts unto them, and the king should have no damage. Then this Daniel was preferred above the presidents and princes, because an excellent spirit was in him; and the king thought to set him over the whole realm. Then the presidents and princes sought to find occasion against Daniel concerning the kingdom; but they could find none occasion nor fault; forasmuch as he was faithful, neither was there any error or fault found in him.


Then said these men, We shall not find any occasion against this Daniel, except we find it against him concerning the law of his God. Then these presidents and princes assembled together to the king, and said thus unto him, King Darius, live for ever. All the presidents of the kingdom, the governors, and the princes, the counsellors, and the captains, have consulted together to establish a royal statute, and to make a firm decree, that whosoever shall ask a petition of any God or man for thirty days, save of thee, O king, he shall be cast into the den of lions. Now, O king, establish the decree, and sign the writing, that it be not changed, according to the law of the Medes and Persians, which altereth not. Wherefore king Darius signed the writing and the decree.

Now when Daniel knew that the writing was signed, he went into his house; and his windows being open in his chamber toward Jerusalem, he kneeled upon his knees three times a day, and prayed, and gave thanks before his God, as he did aforetime. Then these men assembled, and found Daniel praying and making supplication before his God. Then they came near, and spake before the king concerning the king's decree; Hast thou not signed a decree, that every man that shall ask a petition of any God or man within thirty days, save of thee, O king, shall be cast into the den of lions? The king answered and said, The thing is true, according to the law of the Medes and Persians, which altereth not.

Then answered they and said before the king, That Daniel, which is of the children of the captivity of Judah, regardeth not thee, O king, nor the decree that thou hast signed, but maketh his petition three times a day.

Then the king, when he heard these words, was sore displeased with himself, and set his heart on Daniel to deliver him: and he laboured till the going down of the sun to deliver him.
Then these men assembled unto the king, and said unto the king, Know, O king, that the law of the Medes and Persians is, That no decree nor statute which the king establisheth may be changed.

Then the king commanded, and they brought Daniel, and cast him into the den of lions. Now the king spake and said unto Daniel, Thy God whom thou servest continually, he will deliver thee. And a stone was brought, and laid upon the mouth of the den; and the king sealed it with his own signet, and with the signet of his lords; that the purpose might not be changed concerning Daniel. Then the king went to his palace, and passed the night fasting: neither were instruments of musick brought before him: and his sleep went from him.

Then the king arose very early in the morning, and went in haste unto the den of lions. And when he came to the den, he cried with a lamentable voice unto Daniel: and the king spake and said to Daniel, O Daniel, servant of the living God, is thy God, whom thou servest continually, able to deliver thee from the lions?

Then said Daniel unto the king, O king, live for ever. My God hath sent his angel, and hath shut the lions' mouths, that they have not hurt me: forasmuch as before him innocency was found in me; and also before thee, O king, have I done no hurt.

Then was the king exceedingly glad for him, and commanded that they should take Daniel up out of the den. So Daniel was taken up out of the den, and no manner of hurt was found upon him, because he believed in his God. And the king commanded, and they brought those men which had accused Daniel, and they cast them into the den of lions, them, their children, and their wives; and the lions had the mastery of them, and brake all their bones in pieces or ever they came at the bottom of the den.

Then king Darius wrote unto all people, nations, and languages, that dwell in all the earth; Peace be multiplied unto you. I make a decree, That in every dominion of my kingdom men tremble and fear before the God of Daniel: for he is the living God, and stedfast for ever, and his kingdom that which shall not be destroyed, and his dominion shall be even unto the end. He delivereth and rescueth, and he worketh signs and wonders in heaven and in earth, who hath delivered Daniel from the power of the lions.

So this Daniel prospered in the reign of Darius, and in the reign of Cyrus the Persian.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

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THE MESSIAH ON THE PHONE
(Don't ya even get mad at me for this one!!!)

The Pope was in the middle of an audience when his principal advisor whispered in his ear: "Your Holiness, I hate to interrupt, but the Messiah is on the phone and he wants to talk to you."

The Pope excused himself so he could take the call in private. A few minutes later he came back out with a somber expression.

He said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the call was from the Messiah, the Lord Jesus, our saviour, and the time of the second coming is at hand!"

His principal advisor shrugged and asked, "and what is the bad news in that?"

"The bad news is that he was calling from Salt Lake City."

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AUDIENCE WITH THE POPE

A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope.

After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?"

The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you."

The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape."

"And what's the bad news?" asks the man.

"You tee-off tomorrow morning," the Pope replies.

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BAD INTENTIONS

Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you were walking through town at night, and were accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"

"I would lift my habit, Mother Superior."

Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"

Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his trousers."

Mother Superior (even more shocked): "And what then?"

Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he can with his trousers down."

Sunday, February 05, 2006

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CODE WORD FOR ADULTERY

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

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FOUR CATHOLIC LADIES

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'"

(Another good one from Aut!)

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POPE AND QUEEN OF ENGLAND


The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides.


The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

(Via email... thanks Autrice!)

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Sheep and Goats


The Parable of the Pharisee and the publican (tax collector)

Luke 18:9-14
And he (Jesus) he spoke this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others:
Two men went up into the temple to pray; the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican.
The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, "God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess."
And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, "God be merciful to me a sinner."
I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other: for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.

What does it mean?

Of course, during those times, Pharisees were the richer of the Jewish leaders (Sadducees were born commoners, and considered middle class.) Publicans (also known as tax collectors) were always looked down upon. They collected taxes for Rome, and were considered just as lowly as a gentile by many Jews.

It was common practice for a Pharisee, being considered of high rank in society, to publicly display just how holy and honored by God he was. So, we have a Pharisee exalting all the good works and deeds he has done, and denouncing the lowly publican for what he does. And, we have the publican, humble before God and quiet before society, who simply asks God to have mercy on him as he is a sinner.

Why would God be more pleased by the sinner, rather than the Pharisee? Did not the Pharisee do all that God requires? Did he not live the life he should? Why is it that God does not find favor with this man?

Pride. Ego.

It is one thing to walk around, holier than your brother, in an effort to prove to society just how holy you are. It is quite another to admit your sins, head hung in shame, before the Lord.

When we feel the urge to judge another, are we standing as the Pharisee, or as the publican? Do we judge them by saying we are better than them... or do we see them as sinners the same as ourselves? When we speak to them, do we dress them down while proclaiming how holy we are? Or, do we approach them quietly, with humility, and tell them of God's mercy?

Somehow I get the feeling God doesn't care for lip service. Even in Matthew, it speaks of the sheep being separated from the goats.

Matt 25: 32-46
When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:
And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:
And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.

Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:

For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:

Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:

For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:

I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.

Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?

Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.

And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.


We can pay lip service all we want, crying out to God and others how holy we are by keeping his laws, while judging those around us as horrible sinners unworthy of our attention or time. Or, we can show the Light of Christ to our fellow mankind, keeping humble, and doing our best to care for those around us. The first shall be last, and the last shall be first.



Just some early morning musings.





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Footprints... A New Version. (sent to me via email, author unknown.)




FOOTPRINTS...A New Version

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace.

But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns.

For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling His consistently.

You and Jesus are walking as true friends!

This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: Your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus' are now walking precisely in His steps. Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones, you and Jesus are becoming one.

This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change. The footprints inside the large footprints seem to grow larger.

Eventually they disappear altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one.

This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back. This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Gashes in the sand. A variable mess of prints.

You are amazed and shocked. Your dream ends. Now you pray:"Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits. I was a new Christian; I was just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You."

"That is correct."

"And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps, following You very closely."

"Very good.. You have understood everything so far."

"When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way."

"Precisely."

"So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first."

There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice."You didn't know? It was then that we danced!"

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

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Just a reminder...

Please ask permission before republishing any of my work. If you have a comment about it, leave it. If you would like to use it elsewhere, I would appreciate you asking my permission. Although the contents of this bloc are public domain, if you do not know or understand the thinking behind it, your assumptions about a piece only lead to misunderstandings. My poetry is strictly off limits, unless you have my written permission to republish it.

I do give credit, where credit is due. Many of the work seen on my blogs over the years does have the designation of the author who wrote it. Works republished from liturgical resources are listed with the origination of the piece, unless otherwise noted. Works of public domain, such as song lyrics, are taken from public (royalty-free) websites approved by the composer/band/group.

Thanks!

Friday, February 03, 2006

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When Kids Sing Lyrics...

I captured this moment for a friend, and after reading it over... well, it is cute enough to share in here!

Bohemian Rhapsody, ala 8 year old...

"I see a little stiletto of a man...

Mascara moose, 'scara moose will you do the Fandbango...
thunder, bolt and lightening...
very very frightening, please...
Galamayo Galamayo...
Galamayo let me go.
Ragmifico...
I'm just a poor boy from a boy family...
he's just a poor boy nobody loves me...
Spare him this life of his monstrosity
Easy come easy go, will you let me go...
This miller no...we will not let you go
Let me go (etc.)...
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh...
Mama mia, Mama mia, Mama mia'd let me go...
Bea yell's a' Bub hazza devil put aside for me... for me... for free...
So you think you can smoke me and spit on my thigh...
so you think you can love me and leave me to die...
No baby... can do this to my baby...
just goda ged ou, just goda ged ou o eah..."

ROTFL at the many ways kids can just ruin lyrics!


Ah, and for posterity... the actual lyrics, straight from the album jacket:

I see a little silhouetto of a man
Scaramouche, Scaramouche - will you do the Fandango -
Thunderbolt and lightening - very very frightening me -
Galileo, Galileo,
Galileo, Galileo,
Galileo figaro - Magnifico -
I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me -
He's just a poor boy from a poor family -
Spare him his life from this monstrosity -
Easy come easy go - will you let me go -
Bismillah! No - we will not let you go - let him go-
Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go
Will not let you go -let me go
Will not let you go -let me go
No, no, no, no, no, no, no -
Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go -
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me -
for me -
(this is the part where we all start to head bang!)
So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye -
So you think you can love me and leave me to die -
Oh baby - can't do this to me baby -
Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here -

Thursday, February 02, 2006

2 comments

Haggis

You knew I would post this here eventually!

Ingredients
1 sheep's stomach or ox secum, cleaned and thoroughly, scalded, turned inside out and soaked overnight in cold salted water
Heart and lungs of one lamb
1lb beef or lamb trimmings, fat and lean
2 onions, finely chopped
8oz oatmeal
1 tbsp salt
1 tsp ground black pepper
1 tsp ground dried coriander
1 tsp mace
1 tsp nutmegwater, enough to cook the haggisstock from lungs and trimmings

Method
1. Wash the lungs, heart and liver (if using). Place in large pan of cold water with the meat trimmings and bring to the boil. Cook for about 2 hours.
2. When cooked, strain off the stock and set the stock aside.
3. Mince the lungs, heart and trimmings.
4. Put the minced mixture in a bowl and add the finely chopped onions, oatmeal and seasoning. Mix well and add enough stock to moisten the mixture. It should have a soft crumbly consistency.
5. Spoon the mixture into the sheep's stomach, so it's just over half full. Sew up the stomach with strong thread and prick a couple of times so it doesn't explode while cooking.
6. Put the haggis in a pan of boiling water (enough to cover it) and cook for 3 hours without a lid. Keep adding more water to keep it covered.
7. To serve, cut open the haggis and spoon out the filling. Serve with neeps (mashed swede or turnip) and tatties (mashed potatoes).

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To A Daughter

Life is beautiful, my child,
Though many things go wrong,
And you may hear much sadness in
Its strange and lovely song.
Though friends and loved ones die, my child,

They're never really gone.
Nor more nor less than yesterday,
In you they will live on.
They will live on in you, my child,

As everything you see,
Though it must vanish, will remain
Alive in memory.
Alive in what you think and feel

And dream and say and do,
For all who ever were still areUpon this earth in you.

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Endless

This truth is like a sea that has no shore,
Chaos infinite in heart and mind:
That you should once have been, and are no more.
To me you are as lovely as before:

Your voice still sings of life, your eyes still shine.
This truth is like a sea that has no shore,

An agony no reason can endure,
A knot of pain no passion can unbind:
That you should once have been, and are no more.
You died because some drunken bastard bore

Across the barrier of one thin line.
This truth is like a sea that has no shore:

That I cannot your battered face restore;
That all my love for you cannot turn time;
That you should once have been, and are no more.
We are all on a death march, numb and raw,

Driven on as loved ones fall behind.
This truth is like a sea that has no shore:
That you should once have been, and are no more.

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To the Drunk Driver

Do you think that this is just your business?
Really, do you think you're on your own?
Understand, when you're a little reckless,
No risk you take can be your risk alone.
Know that when you drive a little tipsy,
Daring death to make it home by three,
Rock-solid on the wheel, a little dizzy,
In control, but super-carefully,
Vested in your care are all the loved ones
Inside the circle of your homeward run,
Nor would you find peace ever if you harmed one,
Going mad to undo what you've done.